because when you smile...

Dear Marc,
Today I went to the school where I worked last year.  And I realized again how much my life has changed from professional to stay-at-home mom.  And can I just say, I love you so much.  And I will always love you no matter what. I love staying at home with you all day long. I love taking walks with you, discovering the world with you, playing with toys with you, snuggling with you, kissing your feet, even making joyful noises with you. :) I love your cute little face, your chubby legs and cheeks, your pouty lip, your bright blue eyes, the way your feet grab onto your toys, the way your eyes will follow me around the room when I put you down, the way you stop what you are doing and look up at the sound of my voice, the way you hike up your leg and stick it straight in the air when you are nursing, the way you laugh when I tickle you... or when you laugh at random times, like while we are reading a book!... I love watching to you grow and change.  You are so easy to love.

But you know what? I even love you when you drive me nuts.  Like when you blowout your diaper (onto the sheets!) at 4am and then scream while you get your diaper changed.  Or when you spit up. a lot. on yourself.. and me.. and the floor.. in Walmart. Or when you wake up an hour early from your nap, just as I'm sitting down to eat.. Or when you cry as soon as I put you down to go to the restroom. Or when you make windmills with your arms and yank on the nursing shawl while I'm trying to feed you in public while not exposing myself to the entire room. Or when you decide not to sleep hardly at all during a 14 hour plane ride... or when you decide to encourage me to exercise during that same plane ride for 10+ hours...

So why do I love you when it is not so easy? ...even in the moments of eating meals at record speed - so that I get some food while its hot.. in the stressful times of keeping you quiet so others can sleep or not be disturbed... in the times when I am sick and don't get a sick day... in the frustrating times when I can't figure out why you are fussing... in the wee hours of the morning when you just want to play.. or eat...?

It's because I'm your Mommy and it amazes even me how I cherish EVERY moment with you.
And when you smile, any stress or frustration I am feeling just melts away.
and when you laugh, I want to do whatever I can to hear it again
and when you sniffle after a long cry, I have to hold back my giggle - it is just so cute!
and when you sleep, I look at you in awe - how amazing it is that you are my son.

I get to be your Mommy... which is so much more than I could ever be as a professional. I am challenged beyond myself to be patient when I am at my limits, to be loving when I don't feel like it, to put you before myself every time. And with the Lord's help, I pray that I will rise to the occasion - whatever may come.

I am your Mommy - and I know you need me, even in the not so easy times.  And I will be here as long as you need me - to squeeze you and kiss you and feed you and clean you and love you.  You add so much to my life - and being with you is exactly where I want to be.