no fear in love

Ever since.. well as far back as thinking about getting married and having children - I have had these tiny nagging fears playing in the corners of my mind.. that I would easily dismiss and then would just as easily creep back up on me..

what if I can't have children... would I be less of a woman if i can't have children...
I'm pregnant!  what if I'm not really pregnant?... don't get too excited until I am confirmed by a doctor...
what if something happens to the baby and I won't be pregnant any more?.... there are SO MANY amazing things that have to happen JUST RIGHT inside of me for our baby to be put together to make everything work as it should... what if something is wrong with our child?.. how would I deal with that?..

And I would pray.. because really, all of it was - and is - out of my hands.  Eating well, avoiding harmful substances... and praying. That was all I could do. and then Marc was born.  He came a month and a half early... but was - and is - healthy, Praise the Lord!  There was really NOTHING that I could do to ensure that.  

...and now, new fears creep up out of the depths... and this time, I do have more of a say about how things go.
Or do I?  I am facing so many decisions to make for this life that is 100% reliant on his parents.. and out of such a desire to do what is best and right for Marc - to make sure he is healthy and happy and has every opportunity and loves the Lord and grows into a strong and Godly man...how much of that is really in my control?  Yeah.. I am learning. None of it.  And so I find myself grasping to the small things that I seem to have control over.. and thus the fears...

what about vaccinations? do I get them all for Marc? Do I just follow whatever the doctor says? Even if the doctors in Korea say something different than the doctors in the United States? What if I don't get the vaccinations and then my child gets sick... what if i do get the vaccinations and my child has some sort of adverse reaction to them?... He is perfect now, I don't want to mess that up!

I could go on...Marc sleeps so well on his side..but what about SIDS!, should I be on a more strict schedule, should I supplement vitamins, do I fail at "mommyhood" if I can't breastfeed 100%, when do I start solid foods, how do I avoid Marc getting peanut allergies... but wallowing in my fears is not what this blog is about.

It is about redemption and transformation. Sharing some of these fears with Rachel while she was visiting, I was reminded that we never stop needing to go before the Throne of Grace and laying down our burdens and fears... it is a daily sacrifice.  And once we lay it down, do not pick those fears back up and carry them with you!  It is so easy to live in fear and worry of things that we have no control.  Too easy.  But then it drives us to try live in such a way as to control our circumstances - only to find out when the very worst happens anyway that it was really a facade of control anyway.  And it takes away any joy in living.  The Sacred Journey describes this struggle well:
To do for yourself the best that you have it in you to do - to grit your teeth and clench your fists in order to survive the world at its harshest and worst - is, by that very act, to be unable to let something be done for you and in you that is more wonderful still. The trouble with steeling yourself against the harshness of reality is that the same steel that secures your life against being destroyed secures your life also against being opened up and transformed.

It is my challenge to wake up in the morning and live a no fear life.  It doesn't mean that there aren't things out there that could turn over and take away so much of what I know and love - but that I choose to look not at the things that could paralyze us from joy - but to the One who taught me what life and love is, and know that I can trust Him in whatever the circumstances to love me regardless and walk with me through it.

1 John 4:7-19 says, "Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. This is how God showed His love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us. ...And we have seen and testify that the Father has sent his Son to be the Savior of the world. If anyone acknowledges that Jesus is the Son of God, God lives in him and he in God. And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him. In this way, love is made complete among us... There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear... We love because He first loved us."

So what do I do with all of this? I do my best to live making good decisions and trusting God for the outcomes.  But because God loved us first, we can also trust God despite the outcomes. And I let go.

May you live in and rely on Christ's amazing redemptive love.  May you daily let go of your worries and live a transformed, no fear life.